At 35 I thought I was ready
to say goodbye to being a mum.
Shortly after I fell in love
and didn’t know what I longed for.

At 40 I am saying goodbye
to ever being a mum.
I’m grieving over children and grandchildren
that I will never have

I wonder whether fear I never faced
is the reason I don’t have kids.
Fear of responsibility and commitment
deeper than to life itself.

I love kids, don’t get me wrong
but the thought of them going first always…
A wish for a child of my own,
however magical the becoming,
has never been stronger than that

Needing a man (or at least his seamen) in a relationship
created a barrier.
The believe that nature created homosexuality
as feature to stop breeding,
created another.
Also having partners not longing a child…

Don’t get me wrong,
it is ok,
I’m ok with not being a mum.
It does, however, take
some time to say goodbye.

Surrounded by beautiful bellies
full with a life of their own,
reading a dear friends book
about loving her kids and their kids,
creates opening for tears
allowing me grief to heal.

October 2016